Coming Up on the Finish Line

This week is my last with the summer program I've been working at. I'll start in my new position July 17th...which gives me a week off to finish writing my first draft of my thesis.

Yikes.

I've been "writing my thesis" for the past year now. And although I've got most of the research/reading/notes out of the way, I still have not organized it or put it into my own words to argue for my thesis. I've always been one to procrastinate. I used to feel bad about this character trait. Until I realized that I truly do my best work when I'm under the wire. My brain turns into overdrive and although I'm stressed, the quality of my work is far greater this way. 

There's so much temptation to just not finish my masters program. In reality, I'm frustrated with myself for going through this program in the first place. At one time I thought about getting my masters in counseling, but the time commitment scared me. Not the mention the whole reason for going to grad school was so that I could stay with the kids I was nannying at the time for a couple more years without feeling like a loser for being 25 and a nanny. But this is a whole other post...

My grandmother paid for my tuition during grad school (and undergrad. Shout out to my amazing grandmother!!). That's a huge reason for following through and finishing. But even more than that, I need to finish this degree for me. I need to close that chapter of my life-which I believe is the final thing keeping me entrenched in my grief over losing my relationships with the kids I nannied. 

So here I go. Pray for me. Hold me accountable. And don't let me get distracted with memes and youtube videos...May the odds be ever in my favor.

xxo

Perfectionism

This past weekend I met up with a friend at the Crocker Art Museum to hang out and do a casual photoshoot. Over the last few months I've been actively putting myself "out there" into the ether as a professional photographer and earlier in the week I posted to Instagram and Facebook about a meet up on Saturday for a fun shoot. 

Sara and I met through Arden Hot Yoga. She's a teacher and business woman and all around lovely friend to have. We've talked over the last couple months about scheduling a formal shoot to get her some headshots and material to use in promoting her teaching and workshops, but she shared she's been held back by a common fear I think we all have when it comes to having our pictures taken and social media: perfectionism. Not in the sense that she is a perfectionist, but as in the pressure to be perfect in your photos and captions and whit is so overwhelming, that it's easier to stay small and secluded, instead of promoting your skills and passions. 

It's the same pressure I feel to be a perfect photographer, to know all the things about aperture and exposer and ISO. It's the pressure I put on myself to build up my own following and gain attention for my work, without it being in a narcissistic or self-serving way. It's the pressure I feel to find influential people to partner with, but to still keep it real and intimate and more about the human connection than the popularity boost. 

There's some inspirational quote out there that says something like, you'll never experience the beauty of the world if you don't let go of the shore. Cheesy, but true. We'll never know the full extent of our power, creativity, vulnerability, influence, etc. if we don't first put ourselves into uncomfortable and challenging situations. Those moments when you can be completely comfortable and confident with where you're at and what you have-those are some of the sweetest moments in this whole experience of life...

xxo

Upside Down

I started practicing yoga about eight years ago. It quickly became my main source of community. I threw myself into volunteering, workshops, classes, and connection. I began to feel good about my body again. I had some pretty powerful God moments on my mat. And most of all, I learned more about taking care of myself and finding balance.

Many of my teachers say that how you do anything is how you do everything. The work I put in on my yoga mat transferred into every other area of life. I became more open minded and accepting of others. I felt more powerful and confident in my body, as well as my general presence outside of the practice. 

But within the last year my low-back pain progressively got worse and worse. I tried taking out backbends and spinal twists. Still I left class feeling worse than when I walked in, and I knew that wasn't right. I feared pulling back in my yoga practice would mean losing my community and my sense of belonging. But I also knew that my body couldn't handle it any more-at least not for some time. 

So for the past four months or so I haven't stepped onto my mat once. It feels wrong. I sometimes so badly want to get on a mat and do sun salutations or inversions. I long for a hot sweaty class with pounding music and tangible energy. But it also feels right. In many ways I have lost that community and that sense of belonging. In other ways it's been a beautiful push to put myself out there in other arenas and to build my network. I've gotten more and more into photography. I've gotten into weight training with a personal trainer. I've listened to my body and my physical therapist and have healed so much already. 

I've always known the practice of yoga would be a life-long practice. Although my body isn't in vinyasa classes, I'm still meditating. I'm still using my breath to calm my mind and heart. I'm still practicing ahimsa (non-violence) by capturing spiders in my apartment and releasing them outside instead of killing them...

How you do anything is how you do everything. And I'm doing yoga whether or not I'm in handstand or at a desk. 

xxo

Sonoma

Two years ago we started a new tradition of a wine tasting weekend with the Boylan women. My Aunt Joanne lives in Santa Rosa and knows all of the wineries and shops. She's one of the most gracious women I know-always opening up her home and her heart to me and everyone else she meets. She's the first born of the six children in my dad's family of origin. She knows so much of the Boylan history, much of what my dad never experienced being ten years younger than her. I love hearing her stories of growing up and into adulthood. 

We started the day out at Jacuzzi Winery with olive oil tasting and wine tasting. The grounds are so beautiful. Lots of flowers and fields. Then it was on to Cornerstone, a fabulous shopping center with several different tasting rooms, a restaurant, boutiques for clothes and home decor, and gardens galore! 

It was a weekend full of family, friends, laughter, and vino...who could ask for much more?

xo

Capitol Gardens

Guys, working a full-time job is exhausting...In the last year my work has been somewhat inconsistent (in not nonexistent), and getting back into the swing of a nine to five has been rough. I'm working at a summer school program teaching math in the morning hours, then dance and yoga in the afternoon. It's a quick transition over to dancing and corralling two classes of thirty pre-teens. I had all of these plans to go to the gym several days after work since they are close to each other. But honestly I haven't gone once. Hopefully week two will see me more settled and better at distributing my energy!

xxo