Productivity Above All Else

I started a new job recently, and I'm in that awkward period of feeling heavily reliant on everyone else around me for directions. I have known for a long time now that I do not like to experience the feeling of asking for help (this is another blog post entirely, or perhaps a question best explored with my therapist). I have always been independent, sometimes, I think, to my detriment. I have a deep desire to be self sufficient and capable of handling things on my own.

But when you are new to anything, you inevitably struggle. Even when you know the struggle builds character, and knowledge, and tenacity. Even knowing that my coworkers are patient and kind, warm-hearted, and eager to help, I have a hard time asking for it. I think really what it comes down to is my need to feel in control. Not knowing what to do, not knowing how to help my boss without asking, propels me into the realm of anxiety. What if she thinks I'm needy? What if my coworkers think I'm lazy? What if I struggle and others see it?

What if, no one else judges me as harshly as I judge myself? What if my boss and coworkers are eager to help and answer my questions and show me the ropes? What if the Universe is conspiring for me, and not against me? 

My work is in getting out of my own way, and not valuing myself on my level of productivity. Because after years and years of full-time work concurrent with full-time school, I've finally got some space to breath and invest in the one thing ahead of me: this new job and the opportunities and experiences and growth it will bring. Some days may drag on, and the anxiety will settle in. Other days I'm sure I won't be able to catch my breath due to a seemingly endless to-do list. But each moment I want to savor and experience in the present moment-not in reflection or anticipation. I want to be in the moment. 

xo

Peace and Sunflowers

The world of Instagram has been blowing up with pictures of these sunflower fields. It's not wonder-they're gorgeous, especially the shots at sunset. I made my way out there with a friend from Madewell, Alex of Tinted Green on Instagram and YouTube. 

This was also during the awful spell of 100+ degree days, so we made our way out for sunrise, hoping to avoid the melting temperatures that basically hit after 8am. I'm so happy with how it turned out.

xxo

Coming Up on the Finish Line

This week is my last with the summer program I've been working at. I'll start in my new position July 17th...which gives me a week off to finish writing my first draft of my thesis.

Yikes.

I've been "writing my thesis" for the past year now. And although I've got most of the research/reading/notes out of the way, I still have not organized it or put it into my own words to argue for my thesis. I've always been one to procrastinate. I used to feel bad about this character trait. Until I realized that I truly do my best work when I'm under the wire. My brain turns into overdrive and although I'm stressed, the quality of my work is far greater this way. 

There's so much temptation to just not finish my masters program. In reality, I'm frustrated with myself for going through this program in the first place. At one time I thought about getting my masters in counseling, but the time commitment scared me. Not the mention the whole reason for going to grad school was so that I could stay with the kids I was nannying at the time for a couple more years without feeling like a loser for being 25 and a nanny. But this is a whole other post...

My grandmother paid for my tuition during grad school (and undergrad. Shout out to my amazing grandmother!!). That's a huge reason for following through and finishing. But even more than that, I need to finish this degree for me. I need to close that chapter of my life-which I believe is the final thing keeping me entrenched in my grief over losing my relationships with the kids I nannied. 

So here I go. Pray for me. Hold me accountable. And don't let me get distracted with memes and youtube videos...May the odds be ever in my favor.

xxo

Perfectionism

This past weekend I met up with a friend at the Crocker Art Museum to hang out and do a casual photoshoot. Over the last few months I've been actively putting myself "out there" into the ether as a professional photographer and earlier in the week I posted to Instagram and Facebook about a meet up on Saturday for a fun shoot. 

Sara and I met through Arden Hot Yoga. She's a teacher and business woman and all around lovely friend to have. We've talked over the last couple months about scheduling a formal shoot to get her some headshots and material to use in promoting her teaching and workshops, but she shared she's been held back by a common fear I think we all have when it comes to having our pictures taken and social media: perfectionism. Not in the sense that she is a perfectionist, but as in the pressure to be perfect in your photos and captions and whit is so overwhelming, that it's easier to stay small and secluded, instead of promoting your skills and passions. 

It's the same pressure I feel to be a perfect photographer, to know all the things about aperture and exposer and ISO. It's the pressure I put on myself to build up my own following and gain attention for my work, without it being in a narcissistic or self-serving way. It's the pressure I feel to find influential people to partner with, but to still keep it real and intimate and more about the human connection than the popularity boost. 

There's some inspirational quote out there that says something like, you'll never experience the beauty of the world if you don't let go of the shore. Cheesy, but true. We'll never know the full extent of our power, creativity, vulnerability, influence, etc. if we don't first put ourselves into uncomfortable and challenging situations. Those moments when you can be completely comfortable and confident with where you're at and what you have-those are some of the sweetest moments in this whole experience of life...

xxo

Sonoma

Two years ago we started a new tradition of a wine tasting weekend with the Boylan women. My Aunt Joanne lives in Santa Rosa and knows all of the wineries and shops. She's one of the most gracious women I know-always opening up her home and her heart to me and everyone else she meets. She's the first born of the six children in my dad's family of origin. She knows so much of the Boylan history, much of what my dad never experienced being ten years younger than her. I love hearing her stories of growing up and into adulthood. 

We started the day out at Jacuzzi Winery with olive oil tasting and wine tasting. The grounds are so beautiful. Lots of flowers and fields. Then it was on to Cornerstone, a fabulous shopping center with several different tasting rooms, a restaurant, boutiques for clothes and home decor, and gardens galore! 

It was a weekend full of family, friends, laughter, and vino...who could ask for much more?

xo