Productivity Above All Else

I started a new job recently, and I'm in that awkward period of feeling heavily reliant on everyone else around me for directions. I have known for a long time now that I do not like to experience the feeling of asking for help (this is another blog post entirely, or perhaps a question best explored with my therapist). I have always been independent, sometimes, I think, to my detriment. I have a deep desire to be self sufficient and capable of handling things on my own.

But when you are new to anything, you inevitably struggle. Even when you know the struggle builds character, and knowledge, and tenacity. Even knowing that my coworkers are patient and kind, warm-hearted, and eager to help, I have a hard time asking for it. I think really what it comes down to is my need to feel in control. Not knowing what to do, not knowing how to help my boss without asking, propels me into the realm of anxiety. What if she thinks I'm needy? What if my coworkers think I'm lazy? What if I struggle and others see it?

What if, no one else judges me as harshly as I judge myself? What if my boss and coworkers are eager to help and answer my questions and show me the ropes? What if the Universe is conspiring for me, and not against me? 

My work is in getting out of my own way, and not valuing myself on my level of productivity. Because after years and years of full-time work concurrent with full-time school, I've finally got some space to breath and invest in the one thing ahead of me: this new job and the opportunities and experiences and growth it will bring. Some days may drag on, and the anxiety will settle in. Other days I'm sure I won't be able to catch my breath due to a seemingly endless to-do list. But each moment I want to savor and experience in the present moment-not in reflection or anticipation. I want to be in the moment. 

xo

This Time Last Year

This time last year

I was drowning in grief

I spent almost every waking moment analyzing

My heart ached and my mind raced

Days were spent working at a summer camp I couldn't give myself to

Each day felt like a rollercoaster ride of emotions

This time last year

I was lost and alone

I couldn't think of anyone who had gone through my specific turmoil to connect to

I cried and I prayed

I took long road trips with no destination in mind

My eyes took in the beauty that unfolded around me

And for a moment

I was comforted

This time last year

I began collecting crystals and using them as physical reminders

To let go

To heal

To believe in myself and my path

To continue to trust my intuition

To stay grounded 

and to release

Today I am starting a new job

Today I step into a position working with young girls

Today I see the reason for last year's departure

Today I begin to understand a little bit of the why behind the trauma

Today I open up my heart to new situations that are

uncomfortable

scary

foreign

challenging

hopeful

exciting

adventurous

Today I say yes

Today I begin again

Perfectionism

This past weekend I met up with a friend at the Crocker Art Museum to hang out and do a casual photoshoot. Over the last few months I've been actively putting myself "out there" into the ether as a professional photographer and earlier in the week I posted to Instagram and Facebook about a meet up on Saturday for a fun shoot. 

Sara and I met through Arden Hot Yoga. She's a teacher and business woman and all around lovely friend to have. We've talked over the last couple months about scheduling a formal shoot to get her some headshots and material to use in promoting her teaching and workshops, but she shared she's been held back by a common fear I think we all have when it comes to having our pictures taken and social media: perfectionism. Not in the sense that she is a perfectionist, but as in the pressure to be perfect in your photos and captions and whit is so overwhelming, that it's easier to stay small and secluded, instead of promoting your skills and passions. 

It's the same pressure I feel to be a perfect photographer, to know all the things about aperture and exposer and ISO. It's the pressure I put on myself to build up my own following and gain attention for my work, without it being in a narcissistic or self-serving way. It's the pressure I feel to find influential people to partner with, but to still keep it real and intimate and more about the human connection than the popularity boost. 

There's some inspirational quote out there that says something like, you'll never experience the beauty of the world if you don't let go of the shore. Cheesy, but true. We'll never know the full extent of our power, creativity, vulnerability, influence, etc. if we don't first put ourselves into uncomfortable and challenging situations. Those moments when you can be completely comfortable and confident with where you're at and what you have-those are some of the sweetest moments in this whole experience of life...

xxo

An Afternoon in Midtown

Over the weekend I met up with my friend Allie to walk around midtown with our cameras. We went to a couple garage rooftops, walked through the capital gardens, and finished off the evening with a good three hour conversation about all sorts of things. 

so grateful for this lady

xxo

The Nature of the Beast

I've resisted Facebook for so long now. I remember feeling anxiety and ineptitude when I was on it in my early college years. I was disappointed that I hadn't gone away for college, and watching all of my classmates post about living in the dorms, college parties, meeting new friends, and leading these seemingly exciting lives made me feel resentful of my own. I deleted my page and was pretty much off social media for the next five years. 

I only recently got back to Instagram, and as I've written here before, I have had such an amazing experience with it-connecting to new people, growing as a photographer and influencer. In this time between jobs, I decided to pursue photography with more drive and purpose. I want to work with more clients, engage in collaboration, and expand my own knowledge and skills. Because of this, I felt I needed to get back on Facebook to reach a wider audience. 

Coming back to it at 28 years old, I know I am much more aware of the fact that we only post the picture perfect images of our lives (for the most part). I know myself well enough to not scroll through my feed for any great length of time. I know that everyone is fighting a battle, and what we put on Instagram or Facebook or any other social media is what makes us feel good about ourselves, and those things should be celebrated. 

So I'm taking the opportunity to use Facebook to enter into another period of growth and challenge. One that I'm hoping will also bring abundance and connection.

xxo