It's the Simple Pleasures

In this time of quarantine I have learned how to make sourdough bread, and the amount of satisfaction that has brought me is greater than what I would have thought. I was so stressed out making the first loaf. Because it is a two day process I was anxious about messing it up and then feeling frustrated that I wasted the time and energy on it. But when that first loaf came out all golden brown and fluffy, I was so proud and happy! Now, many loaves later, I get a small sense of accomplishment when I eat the bread I’ve prepared. It’s a satisfaction that only comes from making something with your own two hands.

One Year Down

This week I will finish my first year of my counselor education master’s program. One year down, and two more to go. But it feels quite anticlimactic, reaching a third of the way done while in quarantine and distance learning.

I struggled with the transition to virtual learning and Zoom classes. My social circles tend to be small, and grad school was one of the major sources of socialization I had. I spent a lot of time on campus, whether in class, exercising, or studying. Most days I really did look forward to going to class and learning. But I also really enjoyed the camaraderie and bonding with my classmates. We might lament over the amount of reading we had that week, or the group projects we had coming up, the struggle to balance work and school. But we also laughed and joked a lot. I miss those face-to-face interactions.

And although I am grateful for platforms like Zoom that still allow us to “see” each other, each time class ended and I closed my laptop, I felt more isolated than before. Every time I get an email from the university I’m worried that it will announce that the fall semester will also be facilitated online. On one hand, I almost wish I could take a semester or two off and wait to continue the program until we can be in-person again. But then I don’t want to push back my graduation and getting out into the field. And yet I worry that the quality of my education is much different doing it online rather than in-person. I know there are plenty of online master’s programs available out there. But I did not apply to an online program. Mostly because I know myself and my work ethic. I know that I do better in person, with accountability and structure. So although some of my professors have transitioned to virtual teaching as best they can, I worry about my own focus and investment.

Patience has never been my greatest strength. I guess this is just another opportunity for me to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. And to remember that things will work out for the greater good.

Thank You, & I Love You

When I reflect on my childhood and upbringing, I have incredibly tender, loving memories. My father is an equal contributor with my mother in those memories. He brought joy into our house with his love of music. I remember being little and crawling up into his lap on a recliner in our living room to nap with him and listen to music. He played guitar by my bedside as I fell asleep.

He showed up (and continues to) in every way that mattered. He was there for me when I fell and got hurt, when I was sad, when I felt creative and to celebrate my successes. He was there at my sporting events, my dance performances, and family dinners. He encourages me in my endeavors, whether that is photography, education, or career moves.

My dad is the most selfless person I know. He worked hard every day while I was growing up to provide for our family. He has shown me what it means to care for others through your actions and acts of service. I would sometimes find little doodles on my paper bag lunches growing up. He and I created a story about a long lost princess and her cobbler father. He read to me The Paper Bag Princess and instilled in me the knowledge that I can take care of myself.

I am thankful our relationship has continued into adulthood. We go see movies together, grab dinner often, and usually get into deep talks about faith at some point. He knows a little bit about just about everything, a trait he has in common with my brothers. To be honest, it infuriates me a bit because I wish I was the same way. But I know a little bit about a few things, and that’s good enough. Because he respects me just the same.

Happy birthday, dad. I love you with my whole heart.

Perspective

These are the last film shots I took on campus at Sacramento State before we transitioned to virtual learning. When I got them back from the lab this past week I was transported back to the day and moments I took each one, as I always am with film.

I remember this day being really difficult. It was a work holiday, so I got to campus quite early, thinking I would use the extra hours to get homework done. The weather was just starting to warm up, so I’d get comfortable in the cloud coverage, then the sun would arrive and warm me up too much. I moved around campus several times, trying to find just the right spot. Along the way I snapped these photographs.

At the time (and currently now, but for different reasons) I was struggling with motivation for one class in particular. I was annoyed at the format of how this professor chose to run the class. And overwhelmed by the statistical, dry content of the class. I remember thinking several times that day, “I do not want to be here right now.”

With this transition to virtual learning, I find I’m yearning even for the old experience of this class that has vexed me the entire semester. I miss being on campus. I miss seeing my classmates face-to-face, catching up in the hall before class, or making jokes in side conversations. I miss the routine of work, then school, then exercise. I miss the energy of thousands of students around me as I walked through campus.

I am also nervous that distance learning will have to continue into the fall semester. I wonder how I’ll handle that prolonged absence of in-class instruction and in-person interactions with my cohort and professors. I’m sure I’ll adjust, as I’m trying to do now. But I will also feel a deep sense of missing out. One of the many great things I’ve learned in my program though is that you can have two seemingly contradictory feelings or thoughts at the same time. I can be both grateful for my health and wellness, and be mourning the loss of the old, familiar, and comfortable.

Film in the Time of Quarantine

It’s been nearly a year since I last posted here, since I last shared my film, my thoughts, and my musings. I could blame that on the fact that I’ve been in grad school now for almost a year. I could blame it on the struggle to learn how to balance working full time with going to school full time. I think the truth is, I was stretched thin by my schedule and felt very little motivation to write or create or produce.

The frequency with which I shot film declined greatly, too, in the last year. I started spending my weekends working on homework, rather than going on road trips, or simply exploring my neighborhood. I missed seeing Vhonn and Lorenzo at Photosource every week or two. I missed the thrill of getting my digital scans back and reliving the moments I had captured on film.

This quarantine has been difficult to adjust to in a multitude of ways. But there are several things I’m finding gratitude in amidst the chaos. I’m thankful for the sunshine that comes out and the lovely green lawn outside my apartment. I’ve spend many afternoons on a blanket or lawn chair, reading, eating, observing. I’m enjoying getting to know my neighborhood better as I go on daily walks. There are so many beautiful gardens and unique homes. Most of all, I’m thankful for the need to create that this time and space in quarantine has produced within me. These photos are from the first few weeks of quarantine. I’ve got another roll I just sent down to the lab, and I can’t wait to receive those scans, then share with you.