I recently saw The Staves live in concert for the first time. It’s been a long time coming. I got the title of their 2021 album Good Woman tattooed on my arm while in London in 2021 (for a myriad of reasons, not just the album title), and had tickets to see them in the last year or two, but they canceled the US leg of the tour.

Finally seeing them live, my heart truly swelled. I can’t remember exactly where or how I first heard them, but I know it was some time in late 2018. My grandmother fell in her apartment in December of 2018. I remember listening to their album, The Way is Read, front to back over and over again while she was in the hospital and after she died. The energy of the album captured the energy and friction I was feeling within.

Before I ever really started dating, before I ever fell in love with my first long-term partner, I listened to a specially curated playlist of The Staves and cried, yearning for love and romance in my life. Their song, Make It Holy, is an all time favorite of mine. Wonderfully enough, they played it at the show I was at. I cried during that song, as well as a track from their most recent album called, So Gracefully.

In the past eight or so months I’ve experienced lows I’ve never experienced before. I’ve felt feelings at such a depth I’d never felt them before. Apparently heartbreak will do that to you. As I navigated going to San Francisco for this show, spending the night there, and exploring, I felt equal parts pain in not experiencing it with my partner, to equal parts gratitude for being solo. I went to a gay bar and had a couple beers and sat and read Jedidiah Jenkins’ book Mother, Nature. I navigated public transit on my own. I walked to dinner where I enjoyed a lovely meal and read some more. I went to a concert on my own (which I’ve done a dozen times before at least…but now having experienced concerts with a partner, going solo again was a new experience of it). I took my time the next day, working out in the hotel gym, and then heading out to explore and eat more great food before heading home. I journaled and shot through an entire roll of film (featured in this post).

I’m finding ways of coming back to myself. I will forever put first my relationship to self. And I’m so grateful for that connection.