This past week has been emotionally charged, to say the least. My head has been spinning, my heart has been hurting, my pride and my ego have been hit. I am typing each word and sentence of this post second guessing myself, not wanting it to sound like I’m making it about me, but also being afraid that my silence is allowing people to assume that I am ignorant or racist.

But that’s the thing: I am admittedly ignorant to much of what goes on in the world around me, whether it be about politics, global warming, or racial injustices. And much of that ignorance is by choice. It’s scary to look at the world around you and pay attention to the divisiveness, to the systemic racism and oppression, to the ugly ways in which we treat each other. What I am learning, though, is that I cannot keep my head in the sand any longer.

I am learning from the women and men who are using their voices and their platforms, no matter the size or scope, to speak truth and to shed light on injustice.

In my head I kept going back and forth between posting to social media or not. I’ve been reflecting on my own privilege, on my initial reactions including denial and self preservation, of my own White fragility…After watching Olivia’s IGTV post, I’m encouraged to speak out, imperfect as it may be. Thank you for the encouragement, Olivia.

Part of my rationalization for not posting was not wanting to just repost something thousands of others are posting. It felt bandwagon-y, and like it wasn’t authentic. Things move so quickly in today’s day and age. There is so much information out there, that it’s difficult to sift through it to make sure that what you’re reposting is a true and full reflection of who you are and the message you want to promote, while also being timely with your post. I want to be someone who is posting about racial justice not just in the heat of the moment with the current protests and rallies, but beyond that when other headlines takes over the news.

I’ve also rationalized, now is not the time for me to speak up and use my voice. Now is the time for people of color to be heard. But I am learning there is a difference between stepping back in silence, and staying present in solidarity. I am fearful of saying the wrong thing, or of it coming off as being false or trendy to repost something. I am someone who spends a lot of time in her head, turning inward; it takes me a long time to reflect on my thoughts and feelings and to figure out how to articulate them. And while I want to be patient with myself and mindful of what I am feeling, thinking, and saying, I’m also recognizing the need to show up as an ally and advocate. I don’t need the right words to show others I believe in human rights, equity, and dignity.

When I started to read the words and hear the experiences of the students that I work with, my heart was breaking and it woke me up. I could say that I’m sorry it took hearing their experiences to get me fired up, but I think we each get that lightning bolt in different ways. My heart has always been for young women and helping them grow up to feel safe and secure in their own bodies. And although I have been in this work and research for several years now, there is always something to learn, the climate and culture is constantly changing. They are my reason to speak up. They are my reason to engage, to educate myself, to reflect on my own biases and beliefs. I want to be seen as an ally to POC, and I want to be seen as an example of someone who does the work, no matter how ugly or scary it is, to White people who are also struggling to do the work and stand for and with those they care about.

In one sense I am grateful for the quarantine, as it has given me more time to read, write, take photographs, and learn. I want to commit myself to learning more this summer (and beyond) about the Black Lives Matter movement, more about my already present interest in feminist and LGBTQ+ rights and movements and work, and to then share those things I’ve learned in a bold and brave way that I haven’t before. I am learning. I am a work in progress, and I want to do better.