Romy and Michele

I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I just watched Romy and Michele's High School Reunion for the first time this past weekend. From the opening song I knew I was going to love it and be able to laugh at it throughout the whole movie. And here's the thing: it would not have meant as much to me watching it in high school, or even five years ago, as it did watching it at this point in my life. In fact, last year marked ten years since graduating high school for me. Spoiler: I did not go to my reunion.

Here's what I loved about Romy and Michelle - they loved each other and lifted each other up. They were creative and funny, and despite the way others saw them in high school, they had a confidence about themselves. I also really loved watching a movie where social media didn't exist, and cell phones were a rarity. One reason why I didn't feel a need to go to my reunion was that if I truly wanted to know what my high school peers were doing with their lives, I could find them on the internet. The very small handful of friends I kept from high school are part of my life because I make the effort to connect in person and, yes, through text and social media. But the point is that I love them and want to maintain a real life relationship with them more often than just every ten years. 

I also love that they grappled with where they were at ten years post high school, and the desire to sound more important than they felt their jobs reflected they were. That's the huge thing about reunions, you want to show everyone else you are successful and have all the things - the partner, the wealth, the great job, etc. This need to impress others was actually a huge reason for me going to grad school. My ego felt bruised every time I ran into someone post college and shared that I was a nanny and yoga teacher. I thought I should be doing bigger and better things. Of course, in retrospect, I know I was right where I was supposed to be; I know I was changing the world through yoga and I know that raising children is probably the hardest job to do, especially when they aren't your children!

If I'm being completely honest (and why not, that's what the internet is for, right?), I am also embarrassed of the person I came across as in high school. I grew up Christian, and because of that I think I was very closed-minded about a lot of things. I am certain this came off as being judgmental and thinking myself better than those I went to school with. I am proud of the work I've done in my twenties to open my heart and eyes to others and the endless, beautiful ways of living this life. I don't want to be remembered as the "good girl" who tried too hard to be popular or well-liked by her peers. It's easier to leave that girl in the past. 

I love that this movie came out in 1997 and its main theme was female friendship. Sure, Romy and Michele fought over who was cuter, they squabbled over popularity and men for a moment, but they always came back to each other. The sweetest moment in that whole movie is in the high school flashback of senior ball, when Romy being stood up by the popular boy, and Michele offers to dance with her. At the end of the movie, when Romy and Michele become friends again, Michele shares that she never knew they weren't in the cool crowd; she never thought that their lives ten years after graduating weren't glamorous. She always had fun with Romy, and that's all that mattered to her!

xxo

Holding Space

When I went through my yoga teacher training about eight years ago, I learned something very valuable about the way we encounter other people’s emotions and how we typically handle them. I think it’s safe to say that for most people, when someone we know and care about is in pain, or frustrated, or confused, we do our best to comfort them by reassuring that everything will work out. The intention is to uplift and make them feel better. But what I learned in teacher training has changed my approach to handling emotions, both my own and those of others.

As we shared with the group intimate details of our past history, or things that were holding us back from showing up in both teaching yoga and in our everyday lives, we were told to resist the urge to reach out and touch the person who was sharing if they got emotional. The reason for this, our teacher said, is that it takes away from their experience of the emotion. It’s almost as if we’re sending a message that says, “it’s ok; you’re ok; you should overcome this emotion and be happy.” At first, as you’re reading this now, you’re probably thinking, Reaching out to someone when they’re crying just shows that you care. What’s wrong with that? You could very well be right. For some people, that physical connection could be the only touch they’ve received that day, and it could be vital to their healing. But let me explain it in another way…

I have never been in a romantic relationship...ever. Not even for a short couple months. At most I’ve gone on three dates with a guy. I am 29 & ½ and have never walked this road with an intimate, romantic partner, and I have so many feelings and emotions about that.

Sometimes I’m thankful to have lived my life without settling, just so that I could have a boyfriend. Sometimes I’m thankful I haven’t had a partner yet because it has allowed me to focus on school, on developing a strong sense of self, and it’s allowed me to make my own decisions without consulting the needs and desires of someone else.

Other times, I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and loneliness. I get into a spiral of negative thoughts: something is wrong with me that I haven’t ever dated someone seriously at almost 30; am I not enough - beautiful, intriguing, smart, funny - for someone to pursue me; am I so socially awkward that I’ll never meet someone that I can build a relationship with…

Typically, when I share with someone that I’ve never been in a relationship, they’ll ask me if I go out, or if I’ve tried the dating apps. They’ll ask me what I’m doing to “put myself out there.” As well meaning as those lines of inquiry are, I can’t tell you how much I hate them. I’m a millenial, of course I’ve done the dating apps and gone out on dates. I don’t feel comfortable out at bars, so no, I don’t go out at night time to meet people. I know, there are other ways to meet people, like maybe at a coffee shop. I love coffee shops! The only problem is that, in my experience, everyone is so into their phones and laptops and selves, that they rarely pick their heads up to look around.

There are a select few confidants I will share my more intimate fears and anxiety about dating and finding a life partner with. Recently, while getting back onto a dating app after deleting it from my phone for a couple months, I sent a couple screenshots of profiles to my best friend (as we do), and got myself spiraling out of control into a pity party. Like the beautiful human being she is, she reassured me that I am beautiful and wonderful and I will meet someone (or a few someones) one day. And in this exchange of texts with my best friend, I realized something: I know in my core that I’m beautiful, that I am interesting, that I am a good person, and that I will find someone.

But in that moment, I wanted simply to be heard and seen. I needed her to hear my sadness, to see my vulnerabilities, and to let me be in those emotions and in that moment of panic and sadness. Her reassuring words that I will find someone one day is like that hand reaching out in teacher training. It’s a well-meaning gesture, but it takes away from the feelings I’m moving through in the moment.

It takes a lot of courage for someone to share that they were abused as a child; that they’re an addict; that they have an eating disorder; that they are estranged from a family member; that they’re getting a divorce. That real, raw emotion and vulnerability should be met with space. I believe that it is our job to show up for the ones we love and care about and simply hold space for them to share, to vent, to begin to unpackage whatever it is that has them feeling their way through life.

There is a lot of shame and guilt wrapped up in what we identify as negative emotions. It takes a lot of courage for me to share with people that I’ve never been in a relationship. There is a huge fear that when I do, people will think there is something wrong with me, or undesirable about me. As I grow and mature I can more easily identify that these are lies I’ve been telling myself. And the more I share my story with others, the more it loses its power of shame over me. I so value the people in my life that hold space, that allow me to sift through the lies and find the truth. The truth is that I am beautiful, and fun, and desirable. We need more people in our lives to show up, hold space, and offer compassion and support simply by listening. And we need to find the courage to ask for it. 

xxo

Slow Down

I recently came across this quote from Brene Brown:

'Crazy busy' is a great armor, it's a great way for numbing. What a lot of us do is that we stay so busy, and so out in front of our life, that the truth of how we're feeling and what we really need can't catch up with us.

At the start of 2018 I made a resolution to not drink alcohol for a full year. This sounds daunting, especially if you enjoy winding down from the day with a couple glasses of wine like I did/do. I had been dry off and on the last couple years for a couple months at a time. I started in 2016, after I went through a traumatizing loss of important relationships in my life. I knew I was going through a lot, and I didn't want to use alcohol to lessen the pain. I knew I had to sit with it, and alcohol was an easy way out.

In no way do I identify myself as an alcoholic. I could have just as easily been using sex, or drugs, or exercising, or eating, or any other number of habits to cope with the uncomfortable feelings. But let's face it, I'm not dedicated, focused, or self-disciplined enough to use dieting or exercising to an extreme, and I thankfully have too much respect for my body to beat it down with drugs. 

It's been just over three months now of the new year and my commitment to not drink alcohol. Really it only feels frustrating when I go out with friends and everyone else is drinking, or on a first date and a glass of wine would be wonderful to help the nerves. But that's kind of the point of the resolution: I want to feel things head on and in the moment. 

Brene Brown calls out the undeniable reality that our society loves to be busy. This busyness covers up a whole slew of emotions and experiences we want to deny or put off. Now that I'm several months into sobriety, I'm working on limiting my screen time in the evenings. It's easy to put on a movie or television show I've seen a hundred times in the background while I'm making dinner or cleaning the house. It makes me feel less alone, I suppose, to hear the characters in the background. But I always feel better when I listen to jazz music while cooking and eating dinner. I feel more productive and stimulated when I read a book at night, instead of watching t.v. I sleep better when I don't scroll through my phone for thirty minutes after getting into bed. 

Slowing down is not easy. I've consistently worked multiple jobs while going to college. I over commit and stretch myself thin. My motto for 2018 has been, "This is 29!" My birthday is in January, and I love that it coincides with the new year and new resolutions. This motto is encouraging me to be bold - to speak my mind, ask for what I want, be honest with what I need, and to practice self-care. 

When I want to know if the guy that's flirting with me over text is actually into me in real life?

ASK HIM FLAT OUT, because THIS IS 29!

When I don't want to go out to happy hour because I feel uncomfortable at bars?

Say no thank you to the invitation, because THIS IS 29!

Want to grow my photography business and book more clients?

Self-promote without feeling self absorbed, because THIS IS 29!

xxo

East Sacramento

One of my favorite things to do is get on Craig's List and local property rental websites to look at available housing. I love getting a peak into other apartments and homes. I think it comes from years of watching house renovation shows when I was growing up. It's also apparently a Boylan trait to rearrange the furniture in the house every couple months, and that one was passed down to me no doubt. 

East Sacramento is such a dreamy neighborhood. The homes are different from one another - some one/two bedroom & one bath, others 5+ rooms/baths. The plots of land vary in size, too. And there's this feeling of age and charm to the neighborhoods. I've been spending my lunch breaks walking through East Sacramento with my Olympus OM 10 in hand. Maybe one day I'll be able to live in this neighborhood. But until then, I'll just take photographs of random peoples' homes and scenery (and tell myself I'm not a creeper even though it feels awkward/invasive...)

xxo

Love Day

Here's a list of some of the things I love:

• waking up without an alarm
• the perfect cream to coffee ratio
• sunrise
• hitting every green light
• morning buns from Tartine
• memes
• new nail polish
• string lights
• candles lit all over my apartment
• getting a roll of film developed and remembering where I was/what was happening when I took each shot
• making new friends through the Internet
• feeling creative
• taking a hot bath right before bed
• pesto pizza from Giovanni's (with a side of ranch)
• a fridge stocked with la croix
• funny memes
• Jimmy Fallon
• seeing that John Mayer has liked a post from Sara Bareilles on Instagram
• visiting New York and my best friend
• walks by the river
• every times I spot a hawk
• trains
• memories of the kids I was a nanny for
• memories of the fireplace in the home I grew up in
• my Christmas village
• little surprises from my mom 
• jewelry that's been passed down
• Point Reyes
• crystals collected in different seasons of life
• fresh flowers
• keeping my spider plants alive
• crumbly donuts
• episode 6 in season 1 of The Handmaid's Tale
• watching Legally Blonde before every trip as I pack
• hikes around Auburn, CA
• skies painted pink with the sunset
• banana bread - specifically the scent as it's baking and then slathering it with butter while still warm

I've got so much to be thankful for. It's easy to lose sight of the simple pleasures and joys in life when we get consumed with the bigger picture anxiety and stress. It takes a constant reminder to slow down, appreciate what I have, and to see the love all around me, and within me. Happy Valentine's Day, friends. I'm so thankful for each and every one of you that reads my words, and especially those of you who know me personally and support me in every way. 

xxo