John Mayer's music has been part of my life for over a decade. Through my adolescent years, through my early twenties and quarter-life crisis...I've found comfort in his music and lyrics. I've cried myself to sleep with his music and lyrics. I've celebrated with his music and lyrics and felt incredible optimism and joy.
He came through Sacramento last month and I was fortunate enough to go to his show. His latest album wasn't one that I was too familiar with. I was distracted by other things and didn't do my regular ritual of listening to it straight through when it came out.
About halfway through the show he played "In the Blood," and it hit me hard.
How much of my mother has my mother left in me?
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?
And what about this feeling that I'm never good enough?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
...
How much like my brothers, do my brothers want to be?
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Or will we be there for each other, like nobody ever could?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
Growing up is strange. We become more aware of our childhood. We become more aware of our habits and, if we're lucky, where they come from and what we want to do about them. Growing up I'm learning more about who I am, what I want, and what I stand for. I'm learning that things change, and although it feels like catastrophe in the moment (and possibly for many moments there after), there is an eventual ease of the pain.
Four years ago now my parents separated and divorced. I remember, maybe a couple years before all of this, when my mom and I were driving in Southern California on a trip to see my aunt and cousins. It was just the two of us in the car, and we were listening to John Mayer. On his album Born and Raised, he has a track by the same name.
I still got time, I still got faith. I call on both of my brothers.
I got a mom, I got a dad. But they do not have each other.
I remember my mom asking me what I thought John Mayer meant by that. I replied that I assumed it meant his mom and dad are still alive, but that they were probably divorced. These years later, after the divorce, after we had to redefine who we are as a family, these lyrics have so much more meaning.
I think it's incredibly unfortunate that our society often identifies divorced families as "broken." We all want to be loved. We all want those that we love to be there for us. We all want connection and family-although we have ample room for personal interpretation of what that all means. My family is different now than it was before. The thing that is unchanged is our love for each other. We'll be there for each other like nobody ever could.
xxo