Distractions and Expectations

Six months ago I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed by my work/school/life balance. In the first three weeks or so of the spring semester I questioned by ability to work full time and be enrolled in 12 units of graduate work. My weekends were spent reading and studying and trying to catch up from the previous week. By about the second month of the spring semester, I felt like I was in my groove. I figured out my schedule, when it was a good time to exercise (more than I thought it would be or fit into my schedule. Movement is a lifesaver for me when I’m stressed and maxed out mentally), what hours of the day on the weekends I focused best on school work, and how to use my lunch breaks at work to decompress.

It is within this chaos and busyness that I find I actually thrive. I like having my days and weeks so structured. I like the feeling of productivity and checking things off of my list. This is precisely why quarantine, working from home, and summer break are such a struggle for me right now. Sure, I have the daily structure of working each day. But to roll out of bed and get on the computer is a much different feel from getting dressed up and walking into an office. And not having school work to focus on is challenging for me. It’s one less thing to distract from the things that weigh heavy on my heart.

I would say that work and school are positive distractions. After all, they’re each helping me get closer to my life and career goals. Without those, though, the distractions that are left can be quite damaging, especially when it comes to social media and endless scrolling. Several weeks ago I got so overwhelmed with the negative things I was seeing on my phone that I had to completely shut it off for a day. Last week, when I was up in Tahoe for several days, I barely even reached for my phone. It was so freeing to sit on the porch or at the beach and read, take photographs, or just take in the scenery around me. But now, being back home and back to my daily schedule, I’m finding it harder to resist picking up my phone and opening Instagram or the news. Strange, the way this unhealthy distraction keeps me coming back, even though I feel worse after having wasted time on it. I am learning to be more intentional with all of this open, free time I now find myself having.

One pleasant result of the current conditions we’re living in is that I have been reading a lot more. I recently finished a book by Anna Hope called Expectation. I loved this book. I don’t think I’ve ever read another book about women, friendships, and their transitions from youth to adulthood that felt more real or relatable. The story follows four friends as they grow and mature from childhood, through college, and into their thirties. They each encounter different struggles, and are faced with the expectations for how life would be, versus the reality they each find themselves in. Although each character has different struggles, there is something in each of them that I connected with, that I ached for, and that I was able to celebrate.

Clearly, no one expected COVID-19 to be what it is. When it first began, especially in those first few weeks of distance learning and working from home, I remember thinking (& hearing from others), I can’t wait for things to go back to normal. Well, we’re in the new normal. The new normal is wearing a mask. The new normal is being afraid to log on to social media or read news headlines and learn of civil unrest and division (spearheaded by our very own president). The new normal is also valuing the time spent with those that you love on a deeper level than before. The new normal is caring for other people by wearing my mask. The new normal is learning to be still, to be kinder to myself, and to find ways to continue to grow and learn.

Tahoe (Part II)

Time in Tahoe (Part I)

Star Light, Star Bright

Fully obsessed with this dress from Lirika Matoshi. It’s been my self-portrait dress of choice lately.

Weekly Roundup

This past week I’ve been spending time reading articles, watching a Ted Talk, and watched the movie Just Mercy.

The Good Trade is a website that produces pieces on a variety of themes including sustainability, feminism, and the arts, among others. I resonated with author Kayti Christian and her piece, The Danger & Inherent Privilege of Neutral Politics. In it she points out the role privilege has played in her own politics. Much like Kayti, I mostly followed the lead of my parents when it came time for me to vote. Even now, although my views have grown and changed and developed, and I don’t blindly follow my parents’ views, I don’t do much research myself. And the inherent privilege in that is that I don’t really have to do much research because policy and law, for the most part, supports me and my freedoms as a cisgender, straight, white person. I am learning that I need to educate myself on items on the ballot, on candidates and their true goals and track records, and on the holes and gaps in our justice system, especially for those that are marginalized.

Another article featured on The Good Trade is entitled What it Means to Center Ourselves in Conversation, written by Emily Torres. You’ve likely heard about what it means to be a good listener, and that we typically listen in order to respond, so we don’t really pay attention. Good listening means you hold space for the other person to speak and share, and you don’t bring the conversation back to you and an experience you had.

Emily takes this further and looks at it through the lens of privilege and race by explaining that centering ourselves in conversation usually results in us (the person of privilege) becoming defensive and derailing the other person (who has not experienced the same privilege) in order to protect our fragile ego and sense of self. Again, it’s a way of listening to reply, rather than to comprehend or learn something new. As a white feminist, I’m learning so much about the role that I play, the privilege I have, and the need to decenter myself and listen to and learn from women of color.

Luvvie Ajayi is an author and speaker. I recently watched her 2017 TEDtalk on getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. Luvvie talked about acting as a domino and encouraging others to follow suit, to shake up the status quo.

This weekend I’ve started reading Thick, by Tressie McMillan Cottom. More thoughts on that in next week’s Weekly Roundup once I’ve finished it!