It's been a whirlwind of a start to my time here in New York. I started out in an interview with a preschool on the Upper West Side, and walked away with a job offer. I was excited and thrilled, but at the same time felt like I was either going to throw up or pass out. My head was swirling for the rest of the day. It's one thing to have a fantasy about moving to New York and working here. But when presented with the actual opportunity, my whole perspective shifted. There was the emotional side of it-exciting to move somewhere new and take on a new adventure; it would be fun to live in the same city as my best friend; and it would allow me to get away from the heartache and pain I've felt the past two months away from the kids I nannied. But then there's also the logical side of it-how the heck am I going to afford living in New York on a preschool teacher's salary?! how will I manage going back home and packing up my apartment (which I've lived in and loved deeply for the past eight years), how would I find a studio or one bedroom that I could afford on my own?...
I got a keychain last week that says "
trust your gut," and I've written about that idea of following your heart and intuition recently. In the midst of all the back and forth in my heart and mind about taking this job and moving out so New York so quickly, I tried really hard to differentiate between what my gut was telling me, and what I felt "society" would tell me to do. I spent over an hour on the phone with my mother, sitting on a bench outside central park, crying intermittently...and although I felt like a crazy lady, this is New York and no one even cared. And something felt so right about actually being out in the city I've come to love so much talking through the situation, rather than being holed up in the apartment I'm staying at, completely detached from my surroundings.
It wasn't until I was at dinner later that evening with Elaine (the angel of a friend I'm staying with) that I had a bit of clarity. Elaine asked me, "Are you at a point in your life where you would be ok to work at a job you didn't feel fulfilled by?" My response was automatic and confident, "No." This fact was a major player in why I decided months ago that it was finally time for me to leave nannying. I felt like I needed to be working with adolescents. The second question Elaine asked was if this job was in Sacramento, would I take it? And my answer was the same, "No."
I want to work in a way that will fulfill my desire to work with adolescent girls. I want to feel like I am making a difference in their lives and acting as a mentor and guide to help navigate the crazy time that is adolescence.
So I'll hold out for something that fires me up in a way that this preschool offer did not. It's incredibly hard to reconcile the heart and the head though. I feel like people might see me as lame, or not doing anything exciting with my life, because I've lived in Sacramento my whole life. I never went away to college, I never studied abroad in college, I tend to be a homebody, and I like feeling rooted. And there's obviously nothing wrong with that. I need to get out of my own way and be happy and proud and content with the life I've created for myself. Because for the most part, I am. And I'd say I'm pretty damn lucky to feel that way.
