Recent Reflections

I’ve been exploring a variety of relationships in therapy lately - relationship to self, romantic relationships, familial relationships, platonic relationships. I spend a lot of time alone, often intentionally. In fact, my therapist and I have been exploring what it is to intentionally choose solitude. There’s so much to be learned in solitude. There’s also a great deal to be learned in relationship with other people.

In solitude I find myself in creation - writing, sewing, watercoloring, making bread, processing emotions and experiences through music. And I’m working on finding a balance of time on my own, and exploring new community and social events. Just yesterday I hosted a zine making workshop and felt such a swell of pride and gratitude for hosting an event for folks to come together and create.

Make Some Noise

The news is constantly churning out story after story that feel so disheartening, maddening, and hurtful to so many people. On President’s Day this past month I was able to join hundreds of others at the state capitol to protest the current president and the abuse of power taking place. While it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the news and actions of those in power right now, I know it’s important to keep informed, to speak up, to support others, and to come together in community. It made my heart swell to see so many others, many local to Sacramento and many who traveled from throughout California to be there, come together.

Super Sweet Super8

A Trip For Thirty Six

I had the good fortune to go to London and Paris the week of my 36th birthday. Two cities I’ve been to before, which I was thankful for with it being so cold and feeling less motivated to wander around like I usually do when I travel.

I stayed in Notting Hill while in London, just around the corner from Paddington Station. The first half day there I went back to some of my favorite restaurants and bars, like The Shed and The Churchill Arms. I also went to my first lesbian bar in SoHo, called She SoHo. While I felt a good amount of anxiety going alone, I’m also incredibly proud of myself and glad that I went. On my first full day in London I wandered through the National Portrait Gallery, went on a walking pub tour in the afternoon, and saw my first West End show, Wicked!

I took a day trip to Rye to visit Merchant and Mills. The town was so cute, and it felt like heaven on earth walking into the fabric shop. I went in with the goal of purchasing fabric for a new jacket and a new boiler suit, and I’m happy with the fabrics I chose. One of my goals for 2025 is to be slow and intentional with my sewing. For these two projects I’ll make a toile first, which is a version of the piece in a cheaper fabric to make sure it fits just right and to make any adjustments before working with the nicer fabric.

While in Rye I ate at The Fig, got a crystal from a small shop, and wandered through several antique shops.

My birthday, Saturday the 18th, was a really special day. I think it’s the day I felt the most settled on the trip, energetically wise. I woke up when my body was ready to. I walked from my hotel to my favorite breakfast spot, Eggbreak. I had a delicious meal there, and walked through a park on the way back to the hotel, where I had a really special couple moments listening to curated playlists, being really present, and felt such gratitude for the experiences of the trip.

In the afternoon I went to a queer bookstore called Gay is the Word. I had an appointment later in the day for a tattoo with Sophie at Reverse Cowgirl Tattoo. I got to the area early and happened to find a brewery called Mother Kelly’s. It felt so intentional. I love the pieces I got from Sophie, a few little sparkles on my right hand and a sweet little chicken on my left inner ankle. And I closed out the night with a few Guinness and my book at a pub around the corner from my hotel.

The day after my birthday I took the Eurostar train to Paris. It was an early start to the day with my train leaving at 8am, and overall a pretty high anxiety day. Something I’ve come to terms with over the last five or so months is that I have a pretty strong relationship to anxiety. Now that I’m open to recognizing its presence, I’m getting better at identifying it and being in conversation with it, rather than denying it. I journaled throughout the day, tried to talk gently to myself, and moved through it as best as I could.

One thing overall I reflected on in this trip is that I shot much less film than I anticipated. In total I shot through one and a half 35mm color rolls, two color 120 rolls, and three black and white 120 rolls. And several frames on the 120 rolls were lost to the shutter release button getting a bit sticky with the cold weather and me struggling with the camera. As I wrote earlier in this post, it’s helpful that I’d been to both London and Paris before this trip, as it reduced the need for me to be out and about all the time, even in cold. I can apply that same mentality to shooting through film. I shot primarily medium format, which I haven’t done on previous trips. And I shot film on my Super8, which I’ll send in to develop and digitize next month. I’m super excited to see the results of that.

In Paris I wandered through a Sunday market, where I got bread, cheese, salami, and fruit for an afternoon picnic. I experienced a museum about the history of the city. I walked through Les Marais and saw Notre Dame. I went to my second lesbian bar, La Mutinerie, and got really good Chinese food takeout. I was only there for about 24 hours in total. The morning I woke up in Paris I stayed in bed until about 10:30am, leaving me just enough time to get ready before checkout and then to a boulangerie before the train station. On the train ride back to London I had a few special moments of reflection. I felt gratitude for living so close to my nephew and the role I play in his life. I felt gratitude for being queer, even while wrestling with the challenges it sometimes brings. And I felt such pride in myself for going on this trip to celebrate myself and my birthday.

When I arrived back in London I stayed in the area close to St. Pancras station, as I had an appointment for a piercing close by a few hours later. I’m so glad I had some time to wander, as I shot through a whole roll of 120 film at the Coal Drops Yard. I’d hoped to get my septum pierced, because hello queer signifier, but unfortunately don’t have the right anatomy for it. So we settled on another ear piercing instead. I had such a great experience at Sacred Gold with Carla.

One of the gals at the piercing shop suggested a hotel bar close by when I asked about local spots. I loved the space, The Standard Hotel. After enjoying a few Guinness and bites, while walking to my bus stop, I saw a rally for Palestine. I was so grateful to happen upon it, as I was missing a rally in Sacramento that day in protest of the new president. It brought up a lot of emotions for me, from gratitude for finding community and support for those that are marginalized in London, to sadness that rallies and protests are still necessary for Palestinians and Gaza.

The following day was a very long travel day, getting up around 5:30am London time, arriving home about 5pm PST. I have this theory that my brain makes me forget the struggle of long-haul flights and travel days so that I travel again in the future. I was so happy to be back home, in my purposefully curated space. And although I’m now fighting off one hell of a cold, reflecting back on my film scans and the week from my trip is keeping me in good spirits. For my 36th year on this earth, my hope is that I experience financial security, adventure in both the day-to-day and in travel, love and passion, and a deepening understanding of myself and my path.

New Year Reset

There’s something incredibly soothing about the mountains, the water, the nature and wildlife of Northern California. Pt. Reyes and Bolinas have been safe spaces for me over the years, drawing me back time and time again. I spent the days around New Years in a sweet little Airbnb in Lagunitas and it was a truly restorative time.

I shot through three rolls of film, spent time at the beach, made good food, watched Widow Clicquot while drinking Veuve Clicquot, practiced yoga by a fireplace, and had plenty of opportunities for birding.

The morning before I left for Pt. Reyes I had a really difficult therapy session. My anxiety levels had been high for several days prior to session, as it led up to a difficult day for me. There were moments of self-judgement for being so overwhelmed, along with moments of knowing I have grown, processed, and moved through really difficult things.

In that session I also read out loud my resolutions, hopes, and goals for the new year ahead. The financial goals were easy to share. The hopes of my heart were more difficult to share. There are so many things I can’t control when it comes to matters of the heart, and I don’t do well with feeling out of control. I can hope for, yearn for, and desire fun dates, deep partnership, love and adoration. And I need someone else for those things to come true (yada, yada, yada, self-love, self-compassion. I know I’m not made whole by someone else. I could live the rest of my life single and have a wonderful, beautiful, fulfilling life. This post isn’t about those things.).

One of the reasons I shared my hopes with my therapist, and am sharing them here, is because I believe in the power of words, of speaking hopes and dreams into existence. As scary as it is, perhaps by being more vocal and vulnerable with what my heart wants, the Universe will help me along in finding those things.

In 2025

I want to challenge myself to not get overwhelmed with fear that I won’t be in a romantic relationship again. I don’t know how to fight those fears, but I want to learn how to.

My worth, my value, my existence - these things aren’t better or worse for being single or partnered. Intellectually, I can believe in that. Emotionally, I don’t know if I’m so steady. I fully believe I’m not made whole by another person. I am whole today, as I was at any point in my life leading up to this moment, and extending into every future moment of self. I do believe, though, that my life would be richer with someone else.

I want to be wanted. I want to be desired. I want to be seen, supported, championed, challenged. I want to look at my person and be enamored, to be turned on, to be proud of who they are. I want to build a life with someone. I’m so tired of doing it on my own.

How do I conjure this hope? The fear of speaking it and not getting it is enormous. It feels as if I speak it and don’t get it, it must reflect I don’t deserve it. My brain knows that’s not true. My heart wonders where she learned that from.

In 2025 I hope my heart is open to new experiences, fun dates, flirting, and adventures. Whether it’s a season of dating around, or locking down a long-term relationship…I just hope it fucking happens.